Some Pet Peeves of a Grammar Snob

Language evolves organically, and only a fool would expect the world to remain the same just to accommodate their own inability to move past the life knowledge they happened to acquire during their particular formative years.

But I’m a fool and proud of it. Or more precisely, I’m selective in my folly. I choose to accept changes which arise organically in a sense which meets my arbitrary standards, but have nothing but disdain for those changes effected through the apparent illiteracy and incompetence of celebrities (also known as “influencers”). To me, it’s like corporate-speak but dumber. And that’s saying a lot.

Put in simpler and less pompous terms for those of you who don’t understand big words: if some Hollywood moron screwed up and a bunch of jokers adopted the meme, that’s not “organic” growth of language — it’s a Hollywood moron screwing up and a bunch of jokers adopting the meme. None of these people should be allowed near the language, let alone given power to influence it. As far as I’m concerned, there should be a license required. And since you need a language license to take the written test in the first place, nobody could get one. But that’s ok. The language can’t change if nobody uses it.

So, without further ado (well, there wasn’t really much ado so far, just a lot of whining), here are a few of my favorite things (sung to the dulcet strains of an NWA song):

  1. Same Difference: A difference requires two objects for comparison. To be the same, two differences involve at least 3 objects (and possibly 4) and two comparisons. For example: I’m pedantic and pompous. Same thing (well, not really, but we’ll allow it). I’m pedantic and pompous, and he’s pretentious and self-important. Same difference (well, not really, but a sight better than before). Same thing: 2 items, 1 comparison. Same difference: 3-4 items, 2 comparisons.

  2. Pay the consequences: You pay a penalty or a price. You suffer consequences. I hope that the idiot who birthed this does all three.

  3. Associated to: This one requires a delicate touch. It’s a mistake by my favorite people: mathematicians. And they have oh-so-fragile egos. Sadly, I can’t blame the arch-media-corporate hegemony which secretly controls our brains through alien ultra-quantum-fractal-catchwords. Not that I would anyway. I’m not sure where “associated to” started, but I have an irresistible urge to jump up and scream whenever somebody says it. And since most math articles, books, and even wikipedia articles seem to have adopted it, I basically spend all day standing up and screaming. Which is no different than before, but now I have a plausible explanation when cops, social workers, and concerned-looking parents inquire. I thought of writing an automatic script to change every occurrence in wikipedia, but decided I was too lazy. Besides, every article has a little gatekeeper associated to it who guards it and tends it and flames anybody who tries to change anything. I did read a possible explanation for the phenomenon, however (the “associated to”, not the little folk guarding wikipedia pages). In latinate languages such as Italian, “associare” takes “a” as its preposition, which naively translates to “to” in English. I suspect this is indeed the source, not because I have any knowledge beyond what I read but because of what it would mean if it weren’t true. The only other plausible explanation is that Gonklaxu the Dissatisfier has penetrated the barrier to our galaxy and is sowing discord amongst the mathematicians who pose the greatest threat to his 12-dimensional nonorientable being. Since mathematicians apparently don’t read anything but math books, that strategy would be singularly successful. The thought of Gonklaxu does keep me awake at night, I’ll admit. Because if he is invading, it means he didn’t stop emailing because he was banished to a nonmeasurable corner of the duoverse. Rejection hurts so much. I associate it to the pain of hearing associate to.

I’m sure I’ll think of a few more soon, so stay tuned!

K.M. Halpern